Gotta be a good day…

I love that feeling of relief one gets when they hear their ex common-law husband is engaged and having a baby with his fiancee. I feel like I dodged a bullet.

*snorfle*

I don’t know why, how, or when it began, but around this time every year I get some kind of sinus thing. I suspect it’s due to seasonal allergies combined with [suspected] small sinus cavities. Whatever the cause, I hate the result. It honestly feels like there are four balloons in my head (one for each major sinus cavity) that are being blown out of proportion to the size of their resting place.

[insert a nasal rendition of Queen’s ‘Under Pressure’ here]

To top it off, because of too many years as a smoker, this tends to upset my lungs. So in addition to inflamed membranes in my head, I also have a scratchy throat and wheezy lungs due to bronchitis. Yay me! My doctor has me using an asthma inhaler twice a day and steroid based nose spray. I’m also self medicating with Tylenol Cold pills, chocolate, and sleep. Sweet, delicious sleep. Using an oxford comma helps as well.

Is it too much to ask to be able to breathe properly? I mean, it’s been 7.5 weeks since I quit smoking, dammit. I need to train Leia to bring me apple juice and chicken soup.

Let’s Get Together and Feeeeeel Allllright

Is there anything better than a brand new relationship? Perhaps kittens, or freshly baked cookies, or winning the lottery might compare in some small way, but in my humble opinion nothing beats that butterfly-inducing, adrenaline-pumping, meaningful quality time with a new partner. It’s the absolute best. This is especially true if your new partner is someone special.

In my experience, there are different types of unhappy relationships:

• Convenience: You’re lonely, they’re lonely, you kind of like each other so why not? It’s better than going to yet another couples’ evening as Han Solo.
• Habit: You’ve been together so long you’re either afraid to forge ahead or can’t be bothered with the work it will take to improve your situation.
• Deceitful: One or both of you is only dating the other for personal gain, whether financial, sexual, emotional, or social.
• Routine: You settled down because of familial or social pressure to get married and have children.
• Pressure: You weren’t sure if you wanted to date this person on a regular basis, but they put forth a compelling argument. Or maybe they’re blackmailing you (it happens). Or, even worse, maybe you’ve wanted out for a while but things keep getting in the way (sickness, job loss, death, etc).
• Dangerous: Your life or well-being are threatened, and leaving would take a colossal effort that perhaps doesn’t seem possible.

Now for the record, one or both parties may not be unhappy in these situations. In some non-Western cultures, the routine of an arranged marriage provides comfort through stability. Additionally, convenience doesn’t necessarily mean love isn’t present, and if both parties are happy with their relationship then does it really matter what kind it is?

I just know, in my situation, I wouldn’t be happy with any of the above. I’m a free spirit and yet I treasure respect, love, honesty, companionship, and loyalty all in one manageable package. It’s a rare breed that can check off all those boxes AND have that “je ne sais quoi” that is quantifiably inexplicable.

The question has popped up a lot lately: why do we feel so strongly about some and not others? I think this website says it very well: “You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable.” The feelings lead to love, although there is no definition for how/who/when.

I’ve heard the scientific argument that love can be reduced to pheromones. At our very basic level, we are animals whose biological goal is to procreate. You know how everyone has a unique smell? Well certain scents trigger that biological imperative to procreate, and the qualities of what makes a good mate can vary dramatically beyond the very basic points of fertile, good genes, and able to provide nourishment. When you encounter someone who would be a compatible mate for procreation, their pheromones speak to you more intently and you grow attached to them. This is the ‘science’ of love.

Unfortunately, I think this theory only accounts for sexual attraction. Love is something else, something bigger. It’s not just desire. Love is an emotion, a state of being, and it’s out of our control. We don’t choose who we love, we choose whether/how we show it.

Just to clarify, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love. The former is common, the latter is very rare. Being happy in a new relationship means seeing the potential for the latter down the road – it means possibilities and journeys yet to come. It means bumps in the road and the commitment to overcome future hurdles. Most importantly, it represents a whole range of ideas that have yet to be realized. A new relationship that is special implies room for growth, unlike those types of relationships listed above.

New relationships are special because there is no baggage involved, no bitterness to overcome, and, most importantly, they are blank slates ripe for carving. You can set whatever ground rules you want and you get some control over how the future unfolds (some things are obviously uncontrollable, like death and taxes). You have the ability to make choices, for better or worse, and set precedents for the future. It’s an exciting prospect.

That’s my rant for today. 🙂

Ignorance is not Bliss

*Begin rant*

A couple of months ago I landed a job as a reporter for a newspaper. I will not say which one but suffice to say it has small readership and a small, but dedicated staff who run it. I get along very well with my boss and coworkers. Except for one.

Last week I wrote an opinion piece on why professional sports is a waste of time and resources. It was strongly worded and had four areas of discussion: overinflated salaries of professional players, cultural division between fans, inherent patriarchy, and finishes with a discussion about social distraction.

I wrote it, at the suggestion of the editor, not only as a way to stir up controversial arguments and get people reacting to it, but also because I believe every word of it. And, though I say so myself, it’s quite well written.

It is of course an opinion piece, which means others have opposing, complimentary, or completely unrelated opinions on the topic. It was not scientific research by any means and not meant to prove anything.

I went into the office today to sort out some things only to find there has been a rebuttal. I was absolutely excited about it – that was part of the point of my piece. What I didn’t expect, and take great offense to, are the personal attacks made against me by the author of the rebuttal. He is also the sports editor for the same newspaper.

I read his arguments carefully and they’re well thought out and very compelling. They don’t change my opinion, but they are very good points and valid to the overall topic of discussion.

Here are my problems:

• He starts out by apologizing to the newspaper’s readers on behalf of all the editorial staff of the newspaper. In the same breath he says my opinion in no way reflects reality. It would seem he put words into the mouths of all the staff at the newspaper.
• He later calls my arguments ignorant. This I can live with, had it been the only jab. But because it is not an isolated comment, it should be counted as inappropriate especially given that I wrote an OPINION piece.
• A few paragraphs later he remarks that I am not a scientist and  cannot speak about physical differences between women and men. Here he is actually wrong. As a graduate of anthropology, I am eminently qualified to discuss the basics of the sexual dimorphism of our species. I have a piece of paper on my wall downstairs that agrees with me.
• In his closing paragraph, he outright states that I “would be best served writing about subjects where [I] can make a credible argument.” Obviously, because he disagrees with my OPINION, I shouldn’t have written about it. I don’t want to say that’s an oppressive statement… but I’ll keep that word out there as something to think about.

For the record, I’m glad he wrote this rebuttal. He makes some very intriguing points, although he doesn’t actually address the crux of my arguments very well. I suspect if he’d taken the time to really plan out his reply then it might seem credible to me. As it is, this rebuttal reads like a little boy stomping his feet on the ground in a temper tantrum.

*End rant*

A Basic Primer in Social Justice, Part 1

Given recent incidents in my life, I thought I might try to explain in the simplest terms possible what social justice means and why it’s important.

First, the general stuff. Social justice refers to the pursuit of equality for all people regardless of race, gender, sex, class, ethnicity, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, or any other category that is socially created. The fundamental idea is that every human has the same right to access resources that should be communal (ie: food, water, clean air, clothing, etc).

There is some debate about which resources should be communal. For instance, do we have the right to only nutritional food and not junk food? If so, who decides what is nutritional? Who does the distributing of public resources? If we all have the right to clean water, what defines “clean”? Does this include fluoride (which is often added to tap water despite its potential toxicity)? Should major corporations who produce beverages have the right to buy water to make their products? As you can see, the idea of equal access to resources is not an easy question to answer. When you start discussing the redistribution of basic resources, such as food or water, to those who cannot acquire it themselves, you also have to remember that it has to come from somewhere. People often don’t want to give up what they have without being compensated.

Social justice, in my opinion, often breaks down to one core concept: economic inequality. This is reinforced by the capitalist system which concentrates wealth in the hands of the few at the expense of the many.

This is how it works: imagine a group of children bring $2 to school for lunch, but one child whose parents are rich brings $5. Each child wants an apple for lunch which costs $1 and there are only five apples which cost $1 each. The rich kid buys all the apples with his money and sells them to the other children for $2 each. At the end of this transaction, the rich child has doubled his money while the others have no money left. If the rich child brings his $10 to school the next day he could do the same thing ad continuously double his money while the other children have no choice but to comply. This very simple example shows how the rich get richer and the poor stay poor. The idea of equal accessibility to resources would ensure that the poor children could buy their $1 apples and have enough money to either save or buy something else. Ideally their apples might be subsidized by a lunch program so they would get their apples for free and have enough money to spend on other things. It’s a crude example but very powerful.

Now let’s expand this example to include why there is one child who is richer than the others. Let’s say there are five children in total: the rich one is Sammy and the poor ones are Tamara, Akellia, Kurtiss, and Sasha.

• Tamara is the daughter of a single mother who has a total of five children. She works fulltime but being the only parent means she frequently has to take time off work for emergencies. Most of her money goes toward childcare, which is not subsidized by the government, as well as medical bills. Her low paying job means that every penny has to be carefully counted.
• Akellia’s parents were both doctors in their home country but their credentials are not recognized in North America, so they both work menial jobs to make ends meet. They have a hard time finding good work because they speak with an accent and have to be accommodated for their religious beliefs. Though they lived in comfort in their country of origin, they face significant barriers in their new homeland which means they are very poor.
• Kurtiss is severely physically challenged and requires expensive equipment to go to school. His parents’ moderate income is spent on wheelchair repairs, medical expenses not covered by insurance, private tutors, and digital equipment such as computers and voice recorders. Additionally his mother is frequently called away from work to help her son when he has a health problem or needs support. They cannot afford to be generous with their budgeted money.
• Sasha is the adopted daughter of a lesbian couple who continually face social stigma and harassment for their sexuality. They are forced to change jobs frequently which results in unstable income for the family.
• Sammy is the son of two successful parents. They make moderate income but because they are caucasian, heterosexual, well educated, healthy people, they are easily able to save their excess income and enjoy more luxuries than those who face social barriers.

It’s easy to say, “well that’s their lot, but anyone can rise above their station in life.” That is true to an extent, but the fact is that of the children the most likely to be a ‘success’ is Sammy. His parents have the ability to pay for higher education and may even have job contacts once he’s graduated. Statistically speaking he has the highest likelihood of achieving a high earning potential simply because his parents will invest in his future. The other children from poorer families can be educated the same as Sammy but they may face a great deal of student debt upon graduation which ensures continued poverty even once they’re educated. Akellia, as a visible minority, will face employment barriers when she tries to find work. Tamara, Akellia, and Sasha will face difficulties because they are women and may need to take unpaid time off to have/raise children. Kurtiss will be lucky to find any kind of independence as his physical disability will be a major hurdle when he tries to find work; most workplaces will not want to accommodate him.

So we have established that Sammy, the caucasian, heterosexual, physically able man will have the easiest path through life of all the children. That’s because he represents the social ideal. When there are social categories in place there is always an inherent hierarchy of what is good and what is bad. Whenever someone can be identiified as anything but good, in any category, they are automatically disadvantaged in society. And heaven help you if you are considered bad under multiple categories. To put it another way, our society places the most value on white, heterosexual, physically able men. To be anything else means you will face discrimination and social barriers.

How is this fair? The short answer: it’s not. That’s where social justice comes into play.

There are so many subcategories of social justice it can be overwhelming. And each subcategory has its own set of subcategories, ad infinitum. But each is extremely important as they all related back to the central concept of equality. Here is a non-comprehensive list of social justice issues and why they’re important:

• Environment (water, food, pollution, renewable energy, recycling, upcycling, animal welfare) – If we don’t take care of the environment, we aren’t going to survive. It’s that simple.
• Gender (sexual orientation, women’s rights, transitioning between genders, social roles/expectations, marriage) – How you identify yourself, whether based on sexual organs or not, is a personal choice. It does not have to impact the rest of society.
• Race (ethnicity, religion, physical appearance, subculture, practices/traditions, cultural assimilation, aboriginal issues) – Underneath the skin we’re all the same. It’s fact that there is more genetic diversity within ethnic groups than between them. Skin colour or culture does not affect competence.
• Labour (affirmative action, inclusivity, health & safety, unionization, pay equity, alienation) – We work to live, we don’t live to work. Everyone should be able to have a job that is meaningful and well compensated in terms of pay, benefits, and compassionate discretion for emergencies.
• Health (age discrimination, ableism, accessibility issues, mental health stigma) – No two people have the exact same bodies. We’re all different. We need to be able to accommodate difference and not lump everyone into the same categories. Health is often something we can’t control.

Now that we’ve identified the cause and the current problem, what is the solution? There’s really no right answer to that question. It’s a huge topic for debate in nearly all disciplines, from philosophy to sociology, history to psychology. In my opinion, there’s a system of governance which, while it isn’t perfect, is certainly an improvement from the current fiasco.

I’m going to use a dangerous term here: socialism. If you’re still with me, then I’ll explain why I think socialism is the better way to go.

In our previous example with the children, it’s clear that only Sammy’s family has the means to provide him with a good start in life. They can afford health care, education, a decent home, and luxuries like vacations and electronics. The other families probably don’t have the same opportunities because their limited income is tied into expenses like medical bills and basic needs. But what if their basic needs were guaranteed to them and they didn’t have to make difficult choices? What if they had access to free health care, free education, and a guaranteed basic income regardless of employment? What if they were guaranteed the right to survive?

THAT is what socialism does. It raises the taxes on the rich to help subsidize the costs to the poor. It ensures equal access to resources by designating more things as communal rights. It takes away the ability for businesses to profit off things that are essential to human life. And the best part is that it’s not a pipe dream; there are plenty of examples of successful socialist regimes around the world.

For the next part, I’ll give more details about socialism and its successes.

Fear

It’s one thing to have a lifelong fear of something that goes so far back you can’t pinpoint its origin. It’s another thing altogether to know exactly what the cause is, yet still be unable to tackle it. I believe fear and phobias are some of the worst afflictions anyone can handle, because let’s face it, the only real cure is to experience it over and over again.

I have Siderodromophobia. I know exactly when it began and why it happened. I won’t go into gory details but suffice to say its presence in my life is due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the initial incident which occurred on a train. That happened more than eight years ago. I hadn’t bothered trying to get on a train for the past five years. Now that I have better control over my panic attacks and anxiety I figured I’d be okay. Boy was I mistaken.

Of all the things to fear, why did it have to be the major method of transportation between here and Toronto? Why couldn’t I fear something normal, like wasps or skunks?

Mutiny on a Cellular Level

The only explanation I can offer for the way I currently feel is that the passengers on the SS Lindsay have been attacked by pirates. Nasty, smelly, dirty pirates. I can’t figure out if these pirates are responsible for a mutiny or if I’m enduring a battle on the high seas between said pirates and my loyal crew. I suspect the former, but if it’s the latter then the pirates are currently winning.

Translation: I haven’t vomited so much at one time for over five years.

On the plus side at least it’s consistent. Seems every two hours like clockwork my body wants to expel the newly dead pirate corpses. This gives me a chance to funnel supplies to my crew in the form of cold water.

I was about to write something like, “stomach flu is the worst.” But I had to stop myself when I realized that each malady we face always feels like the worst thing at the time. When I sit back and objectively think about other things that could potentially happen, a little cellular mutiny doesn’t seem so terrible.

At the same time I’ll be relieved when it’s over.

Splogs, dogs, and Family Photos

I am currently the Webmistress for the website of the place where I work. It’s my job to update posts, add photos, upload meeting minutes, make sure anyone with admin or author status isn’t seriously fucking things up, and generally maintain the website. We use the wordpress.org platform for the site – what a time saver! It looks amazing and is very easy to use. My problems began recently when I installed Buddypress on the site. Within minutes we were flooded with spam user registrations, also known as sploggers. It took several days, half a dozen downloaded security plugins, and over 270 registrations before it finally stopped. At least, I think it’s stopped. I’ll find out on Tuesday. But what a pain in the arse! I’ve spent hours doing research and testing out various so-called “fixes” to figure out what works. It’s ridiculous.

And all this going on while my backyard neighbours’ dogs have been left alone in their yard to bark their faces off most days and some late nights. I’m appalled that people think this is acceptable behaviour for responsible pet parents. I finally caved on Wednesday and called the city to lodge a formal complaint. Haven’t heard a peep from the dogs since. I guess the promised visit from a bylaw enforcement officer was enough to smarten these people up. We’ll see how long this lasts.

Mom and I had a few tearful moments after last week’s arrival of a huge package from one of my aunts – the one in charge of Nana’s estate. It was full of photo albums, memory boxes, and some jewelry. We went through everything. There were photos of my sister I’d never seen, pictures from my parents’ wedding (I’ve never seen any at all), and lots of names and faces I don’t know. Mom knew some of them but not all. My favourite was the framed photo of my grandfather with his whole division at the HMCS York in 1944. There was also the certificate from Adrienne Clarkson for their fiftieth wedding anniversary and the one from Jean Chretien on their sixtieth. Although it’s an honour that I get to keep Nana’s wedding and engagement rings, it was depressing to realize that this is what’s left of two people I loved very much and rarely got to see in my adult life.

So that’s all from me for now. I get to spend the next few days catching up on school work.

Sad Mathematical Truth

Truth is sometimes happy. Like when you discover you’ve got enough money to take an awesome vacation or you get a bank error in your favour (whether in Monopoly or real life). I like those truths. They make life worth living.

Unfortunately many life-changing truths are the ones which stand out the most – they tend to be unpleasant and require extensive recovery. Or in my case, a great deal of thinking to work out the situation in my head.

The truth I’m wrestling with is how to behave with someone you think deserves a trophy for World’s Biggest Hypocrite. Do you call them out on their behaviour? Do you step aside and let them bask in their glory? Is it possible to even maintain a positive relationship with this person? My temporary answers are No, Yes, and We’ll See What Happens, respectively.

But it’s not as simple as answering questions. There is the bigger question: is there a difference between answers in the short term versus what might be the case in the long term? Can these decisions really be made for the long term, or is it a case of flying by the seat of one’s pants? (Side note: I never really understood that expression)

Writing is such a great way for me to sort out my thoughts. Upon re-reading what I’ve already written, my short term answer for the long term questions is a reverberating “I have no fucking idea.” Conversely, my long term answer to the short term questions is “I wish I didn’t care.” Unfortunately, neither is a satisfactory answer to the problem at hand.

So, back to square one.

I’m thinking there must be more accounting for variables. Is this person someone you see frequently? Are there benefits and/or consequences for relaying the unfortunate truth about their hypocrisy? Do you want to maintain the friendship/romance/family member as a positive part of your life?

Maybe we should try it this way:
F = frequency you are physically in their presence (estimated number of days in a year, up to 365),
B = benefits of being honest (scale from 0-9, where 0 means no benefit),
C = consequences of being honest (scale from 0-9, where 0 means no consequence),
R = value of maintaining the relationship (scale from 1-100, where 100 means the relationship is crucial in your life),
H = level of hypocrisy (scale from 1-4, where 4 means everything they say is hypocritical),
V = value of watching them alienate themselves from other people without your interference (scale from 1-100, where 100 means you’re sadistic)

F x [ (B/C)(R/V) ] + H

Now granted I have only a grade ten math education, which was many moons ago, so we’ll see how this plays out.
60 x [ (2/7)(50/30) ] + 3
60 x [ (0.29)(1.67) ] + 3
60 x 0.48 + 3
28.8 + 3
31.8

The best score you can get is 328,501 which means it’s a theoretically perfect relationship. The worst score you can get is 1.01 which is a terrible relationship and you’re probably not a nice person. So I guess the higher the score the less your friend/family member/partner is a hypocrite, at least according to your point of view.

Or did I just waste half an hour making Pythagoras cry in his eternal sleep?

Trying is Half the Battle

I’m re-learning the hard way to appreciate the good things in life.

It’s not an easy task when you’re faced with difficulties which sometimes seem insurmountable. Especially when those particular challenges have tangible names and faces. And it’s especially hard when those “challenges” are not really challenges at all, but more  like barriers.

I’d like to think it’s something in the water around here that make people behave the way they do. I’d like that because it will explain, or even possibly excuse the wrongs I’ve seen, heard, and done. It sure would make a lot more sense than thinking the worst of people; at least tainted water is an explanation grounded in a real, cogent way. Unfortunately I know that’s not the case.

The only solace I seem capable of clinging to is knowing that nothing lasts forever. But that in itself is also a disturbing thought – why can’t some things engage in permanency? Why are people so eager to give up? Is it that difficult to apply the Protestant Work Ethic to relationships?

Rather than sitting here, feeling sorry for myself and what I’ve lost, I’m beginning to see it not as a loss but an awakening. Unfortunately with that epiphany comes the unavoidable “if, then” extrapolation. If this is truly how things are and have always been, then that makes me the fool who waved at Stevie Wonder from a distance.

How do I know I’m the fool? Maybe I’m the asshole. I could be the one who waved at Stevie to mock his blindness rather than doing it because I’d forgotten he was blind. If that were true, there would be no one who calls just to say they love me. And luckily I have plenty of those who do. To expand my line of reasoning, if there are those who love me just as I am (with no intended reference to Bridget Jones’ Diary), then it follows I’m not the asshole but the fool.

Even that line of reasoning doesn’t give me much comfort at the moment. I may have waved at a blind person, but that individual gave me mixed messages about their ability to see. So my actions were not always foolish but occasionally misled. Which makes me even more foolish for not realizing the truth sooner. Then again how could I possibly have known? I’m not a mind reader.

All this introspection has me questioning the last few years of my life. Were those smiles fake? Are my cherished memories based on fallacy? Everything seems tainted somehow, like singing a Wallflowers song in falsetto. I don’t know what was, what is, real. Unfortunately my feelings are too jumbled to give me a clear answer that my brain obviously can’t figure out.

So my task is to focus on the joys in life rather than the seemingly unending sadness clamouring at me from all directions. It’s tough to do when I don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning.